a red surface with black text

 And every year my mom sends me a copy of The Bear Facts hot off the press from Fargo, North Dakota.

Meticulously deciphering this stapled booklet of red pages, full of original handwriting from the 7-year-olds themselves, has become a highly anticipated tradition at Optimizely. What these kids have to say is truly heartwarming, hilarious, and genius!

They have creative, practical suggestions for Santa to optimize the end-to-end gift delivery experience. So today, in the spirit of giving, we’d like to share an excerpt of their unfiltered advice. We hope you enjoy and share!

Editor’s note: Below the images of The Bear Facts, we’ve transcribed the 1st graders’ answers in their own words (and spelling). 

Santa is chubby and some chimneys are not very big. If magic doesn’t work, what should Santa do?


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Finley: Smere slipry sunscreen allover. Sqweez his body small and jump!

Aspyn: Too elvs need to ride along. They can push him down but be cairful! He’s old.

Eli: Roodowf shud push him down with his paws not his antlrs.

Isabelle: Throw 30 ice cubes down. Jump down fast befor thay melt.

Zachary: Rub a bar of sope ovr yor bode. Rub it evrywar. Wigl down kwietley.

Keely: Take gymnastics to be more flexibl. He will need 6 lesnz and lots of practis.

Allison: I’m a girl scout. I sugjest that he eats protein fruits and grains. Then there wont be a problem.

Gavin: Just bring me wif him.

Nathan: Wigl wigl wigl.

Santa’s job is stressful. What should he do to relax before his big ride?


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Finley: Take a belly breth and go to bed for sum restful time.

Elsie: Have some chicken noodle soup and read Elf on the Shelf to Rudolf.

Aspyn: Calm down and think abowt fairees.

Eli: Ask Mrs. Claus too give you 2 choclit chip cookees. Just 2. Not 10.

Isabelle: Play fetch with Roodolf and throw snowballs at the elvs.

Nathan: Sit in a chare and just sit nuthin els.

Keely: Snugl with an elf. Listn to a lulaby. Dont snore.

Gavin: Color sum robot pichrs.*

Levi: Teach the elvs to go Ho-Ho-Ho.*

Peyton: Sit on the cowch and tell jokes to the elvs. Call me for sum good wuns.*

Joshua: Go play with yore legos. Make aneething you want.*

*Bonus answers from page two of this question.

After Christmas, Santa likes to take Mrs. Claus out for a fancy dinner. Where should he take her or what are some good manners he should demonstrate?

Hilarious advice to Santa from first graders.

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Zachary: Go to Red Lobstr. The mac and chees is not too sawsy or too cheesy.

Finley: Put a napkin on yor lap. Boys need them becus tha spil.

Elsie: Ordr buttr noodls. Put yor hed rite ovr the bowl so you dont drip.

Eli: Watch the elvs cuz thay will want to run arownd.

Keely: Ask her abowt her day and if she baked any choclit chip cookes.

Liv: Tok vere kwietle and say nise stuf abwt her cookes.*

Mia: Make shur to share the crayons.*

Joshua: Think ahead. Dont take her to a pezza plase if she wonts a burger.*

Holden: Go for Chineez chickn.*

Gavin: Go to Brgr King.*

Forrest: Sit stil.

*Bonus answers from page two of this question.

Dad in santa suit in first grade classroom.

The advice is so good, even Santa’s taking notice. Santa and his elves (aka my dad, sister and I) took a break from their busy holiday schedule to visit with the 1st graders in their Fargo classroom.

Happy holidays from all of us here at Optimizely and a big thanks to Mrs. Kolstad and her 1st graders in Fargo for helping spread the holiday experience optimization spirit!